I have decided I am never going to date again. Not because quarantine has made me into even more of a misanthrope than I already was or because people are gross and don’t wash their hands at the best of times or even because it has turned every ounce of muscle into fat. I say that like someone named “Quarantine” made me eat my weight in chocolate and wouldn’t let me work-out. “It was Quarantine who held me against my will and insisted that I eat gallons of ice cream and hibernate in my bed for days at a time. They wouldn’t even let me shower every day. It was horrible!”

No, the reason I am never dating again is because I just got a CPAP for my Sleep Apnea. Let’s be honest, I was already nearing my sell by date. And the fact that I have cats, alphabetize my pantry and color coordinate my closet are not winning me any dating competitions. But truly, CPAPs aren’t cute. They aren’t the 2021 go-to accessory that everyone wants but can’t have. I had a CPAP (that I never used) years ago but that was different because I was already in a relationship and he had seen me at my worst – the stomach flu, jet-lag, hangovers… I hated it and would take it off in the middle of the night without realizing. My boyfriend at the time insisted I wear it but I think it was more because he didn’t want to deal with my dead body if I died in my sleep, rather than actual concern about me feeling rested. You know, that whole thing about having strokes and heart attacks caused by Apnea. I think it also scared the crap out of him when I woke up gasping for air. If only he had recorded it. I wonder if it looked like Poltergeist when they come out of the other dimension and are trying to get air or any movie where someone almost drowns but is saved at the last minute. Waking up to that would be terrifying but also kind’ve amazing as long as they did finally take a breath. Minor detail.

But back to the never dating again. There is always that first sleepover where you are a little self-conscious especially if you haven’t shared a bed with someone for a while. The thoughts going through your head will probably be as follows – “Will I be able to sleep with someone next to me? Should I wear my cute pajamas that are uncomfortable or should I keep it real and wear the ones I have had since college? What will the next morning look like? Should I offer to make breakfast? Should we go out to breakfast? Oh wait, no, Covid times. What if I snore or drool or…?” Now imagine that you have a CPAP machine. How do you add that to the mix?

Here are couple of scenarios:

1) Do I say, “Hang on a minute, I just have to put my CPAP on before we go to sleep.” because that is the hottest sentence in the world? And then proceed to put the hideous contraption on in the sexiest way possible? Let’s talk about what a CPAP mask looks like. Do you remember the horror that was headgear when you had braces? This is even worse. I am trying to think of something to compare it to but I am at a loss… If you are lucky, you have a little contraption that cups your nose but if you are even more hard-core you have something that looks like an oxygen mask. This is all strapped to your head but with an extra attachment that holds the 6 foot air hose in place. And let’s not forget the whooshing noise of the air that is blown up your nose to make sure you breathe continuously. HOT!

2) I don’t put it on and scare the shit out of him in the middle of the night because it sounds like I am dying. Who doesn’t like a little trauma after they have been woken up by what sounds like someone’s final gasp for air? That just screams, “Let’s do this again!”

Both are equally bad options. Instead, I am never dating again. Easy. Problem solved. My cats don’t seem to mind it and we know ensuring their happiness is the first step in embracing the full cat lady life. Sorted.