I’ve done it, I’ve swiped to the end of Bumble again. And Hinge. I haven’t downloaded Tinder this time around because I don’t think I have the fortitude for it. And let’s not even talk about The League. I still haven’t figured out why I am seeing guys in Vancouver, BC and Portland, Oregon when my radius is set to 25 miles. Never mind that they are 31. Been there, done that mistake. Still waiting for my t-shirt.

But back to the joy of dating apps… I don’t even know where to start. Swiping has actually become an addiction. Instead of playing a game or looking at Instagram, I swipe mostly left and very occasionally right. And obviously the ones that I think are decent don’t feel the same about me because they aren’t sending me roses, likes or whatever else it is that these apps use for a thumbs up. But that doesn’t really matter because none of it feels real. And to be honest, it just gives me more material to share with you. Just think, you don’t have to do this for yourself because I can make it feel like you are there with me… We could just do an exercise in stream of consciousness as I swipe. Doesn’t that sound fun?

• “Don’t hate me if I take morning shots on vacation” – ummm…alcoholic much?
• Father of 7? No thank you.
• Do people really swipe right without a photo? I don’t really want to see your lizard and no, that isn’t a euphemism.
• Does your phone take pictures that aren’t blurry? Is this really the best you’ve got?
• Why are there always selfies in the bathroom or at the gym? Maybe you need to make more friends to take your profile pics for you…
• And the filters! Your skin didn’t even look that smooth when you were born.
• SO MANY FISH
• What is this beard thing without the mustache? Why is that happening? Who said that was ok? And for the rest of the bearded mountain men, are trims that out of the question? What about some beard oil?
• Do you own clothing that doesn’t have Seahawks emblazoned on it?
• Give you travel tips for Omaha – that is what you want to lead with?
• And no sir, you are not 46. Please add at least 10 – 15 years to that number.
• And why are you all lying down? That angle is doing you no favors!
• Your eyebrows are too perfect, did you check the wrong box or think this was Grindr?
• Is spellcheck that hard?
• ENM (ethically non-monogamous), poly, allosexual, sapiosexual and GGG (good, giving and game) – I had no idea what any of those things meant until I started this fun pastime called dating in the modern age.
• And let’s face it, I am not outdoorsy enough to date in Seattle. I am not into #vanlife and I don’t like to pee in the woods.

And the fake profiles!!! The pictures are too good and the answers to the questions are nonsense, literal nonsense.

• “I hope to find my future partner here. Take her around the world to enjoy the beautiful scenery and the delicious food after retirement.”

I get that some of them could be ESL but there are way too many and I have seen the same pictures with different names, multiple times. William, Kyle, Billy, Mike. For fun, I have started reporting them but it is like new Covid variants, more keep popping up. How many European men in the “wine trade” can there really be in Seattle? Also putting that you are “Head of company” is really descriptive. Turns out one of them is a gay porn star. I wonder how he feels about his pictures being on a straight dating site. Not sure that’s his target market. Yes, “gay for pay” is a thing but would he really be on Hinge in Seattle?

And before you start to think that no one is responding to me, somehow the algorithm knows about my broken picker. Apparently they really are always listening. The last guy told me a story about snorting heroin and then drinking his buddy’s pee. Classy, right? He is also on a budget so his meals are blocks of cheese and jars of peanuts in order to keep his caloric intake high and costs low. I witnessed him eat a baked potato like an apple, no plate, no fork, no condiments needed. Not to mention that he uses Bumble as his own personal AirBnB.

And this is why I don’t date.