I just got hit on by an adult version of Rod or Todd from the Simpson’s. Just add dark glasses and an orange button down and there you go. Or maybe he looked more like a dorky Hyde from That 70s Show. I don’t think he could have been older than 26 and I could not get him to stop talking.
First, let me clarify that I don’t look friendly. I have never been told that I am approachable in any way, shape or form. When I sit in my spot at Starbucks, I may glance around as I am thinking but it would never be considered encouragement for engagement. Perhaps my mistake was looking up when he was way too loud on his phone.
He came over and said that I looked “interesting.” Last I checked, that isn’t a compliment. Fortunately or unfortunately he said that “I was cute,” so maybe that makes up for it. His conversation starter was something about apple pie. I think it was a question about why apple pie is funny. He never actually told me why it is funny. He wanted to know if I had ever made one and how hard it is. He theorized that the crust seems like the hardest part. Do I look like Holly Homemaker? Even my friends who know me and know that I can cook don’t think it is plausible.
At first I thought he was gay so I didn’t even entertain the idea that he might be hitting on me. It wasn’t until he kept talking to me, asking what I was doing and trying to make conversation that I realized he was seriously making a move. It felt like an out of body experience. One of those, “Is this really happening?” moments. Don’t get me wrong, I was flattered and it is nice to be thought of as attractive but sometimes it helps to read your audience a little bit better. He told me that I could follow him on social media to prove that he isn’t a creep and to learn more about him. Is that a millennial pick-up line? At that point I knew I needed to make up a boyfriend or say I was dating one of the baristas…or maybe all of them. I said that my boyfriend wouldn’t appreciate me following random dudes I met at Starbucks. My imaginary boyfriend is the jealous type who watches my social media like a hawk. He is independently wealthy with a lot of time on his hands.
Wouldn’t you think that after a comment about a significant other, the pick-up artist would move along? Not this one. Jason wanted to keep chatting about how he has been talking to people about random subjects like broccoli and whatever else crosses his mind in the moment. Apparently he is looking for a job as well and has determined that story-telling really helps in interviews. Go figure.
I am not sure if it was my lack of questions or short answers that gave him the idea that I wasn’t a thrilling or willing conversationalist but he finally left me alone. More power to him for having the balls to approach a woman sitting alone. Next time, I hope it isn’t me.