I did something super impulsive while I was on vacation a few months ago… I actually gave in to the moment and hooked up with someone. Most of my friends would commend me for letting loose and say it was about time. However, I am completely neurotic and not very good at chalking it up to another one of life’s experiences. Instead, I keep dissecting it. At least I didn’t say, “I never do this” or “I hope this doesn’t give you the wrong idea about me,” right? Unfortunately I have all of these questions running around in my head for something that shouldn’t even be an issue. And to be honest, I don’t think I even want a repeat. No, I know I don’t want a repeat. But…as women we are conditioned to try for more, whether it makes sense or not. Here is a peek into the real-time crazy. For accuracy, read it quickly with a lack of concern for punctuation:
Does the idea of being easy go away once you hit a certain age? Do people still judge you for not waiting “the appropriate amount of time” (whatever that is) to sleep with someone? Why do you care if people judge you? Doesn’t that reflect more on them? Do you get to an age where a one night stand can actually turn into a relationship? Have you ever had a rebound that you don’t want to be a rebound? What if it is a rebound from a rebound? Those are considered therapeutic, aren’t they? Isn’t the best way to get over someone to get under someone?
Take a breath here.
Is it true that if they like you, you will hear from them ALL the time? What if they are really busy? What if they have other priorities? When are you just making excuses for a lack of interest? What if you are making excuses for your lack of interest? How do you learn to be patient? Why would you want to hear from them all the time? Is “what’s meant to be will be” actually real? What about “absence makes the heart grow fonder”? Where are my sunglasses?
Take another breath.
How do you not feel like it is a reflection on you when you don’t hear from them? That you aren’t good enough? That you did something wrong? What if you don’t actually want anything more from the other person? Why haven’t you reached out? Should you? Are you being rude that you haven’t? Is there an off switch that will allow you to enjoy it for what it was? What if it wasn’t actually that enjoyable and now you have to add to your number? God forbid it increases. Who even keeps a number after 30? How do you just let things evolve without overthinking them? What does being a mature adult look like in a situation like this? Since when do I want to be a mature adult? Who did I say I would go to dinner with on Wednesday?
And there is your look into a modern woman’s brain. Terrifying, isn’t it?
One thought on “Asking for a friend…”
There’s no silver bullet to free anyone from the labyrinth of introspection, of course. No amount of clear analytical understanding liberates the heart from raising questions, and no amount of emotional clarity frees the mind from wondering what if this or that.
But we do well to take that heavy mental focus and apply it to bigger questions, rather than worrying about that one incident. Of course sex should be far more than just physical, psychological, or emotional—it should be spiritual, more than we can capture in words or even thoughts. But even great sex within the content of loving, committed relationships includes hilarious interruptions, repetitiveness, and quickies both spontaneous and semi-planned. And we happily accept that circumstances force us into the shallow end of the Meaning of Lovin’ pool from time to time. That applies to single life just like it does to partnered life.
Needing, wanting, and getting the single person’s equivalent of the quickie/nooner says nothing about who we are, who we attract, or how our merits come across to others. It says we know we need the thing and see a good place to find it. Even people who regularly seek out the best heirloom organic produce will occasionally grab a handful of French fries and carry right on living their meaningful best lives. Now and then a man comes along who’s a too-salty, empty-calorie snack in a box.
So don’t worry about what people think of you or any of that echo-chamber stuff that overthinking brings into the mind. Decide what kind of food pyramid (of relationships long and short) you can live with happily/contentedly, and keep a balanced diet.
And for God’s sake, don’t listen to people who turn everything into weird metaphors.